pushing people away?

i am hurting today. i am hurting because of something my spouse has on his mind which deeply pains me and makes it really difficult to live life ‘as usual’.

my emotional reactions and the pain i am feeling are not new. i can tell that the grey shades of traumatic experiences from my past are re-surfacing. they manifest mostly in the body as felt sensations and as a deep sadness in my heart.

i am a highly sensitive person and as a child i lived in an emotionally unstable household. in order to survive i adopted a strategy of isolating, putting up walls and pushing people away. i lived that way for a long time.

can you identify?

many highly sensitive who went through early life trauma can identify. in youth, when you didn’t know better and as adults because those are the only tactics you know.

but today, you are no longer a child. shutting people away comes with a price of missing on wonderful people and friendships that can be meaningful, fun, and intimate.

as kids, you had caretakers that were your teachers and role models. if they were good to you, if you were well cared for, heard, seen and loved and your needs were met, then that’s what you naturally seek out today in others.

but, if you lived in a toxic environment where boundaries were not respected, where emotions were not expressed or overly expressed, then this is what you know, and till today you are still seeking in others what you learnt back then.

getting in touch with your vulnerability is not always easy; it’s a work of change. but if you do, you will realize how priceless the benefits are.

see you soon. stay safe and healthy.